Everything was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt.

April 13, 2009

I don’t know what to say about this, lemme know.

Filed under: Life, Poetry and Fiction, Ranting — wtfitsjared @ 8:58 am

I’ve heard the answer comes when you die.

Isn’t that too late?

Instead, I want the answer to come when I’m eating breakfast

Transcribed in the slice of bread in the same way people

Think they see God in the burnt parts of their toast.

I want it to come when I go for a walk

It will be spelled out in the bark of tree for everyone to see

And when they walk by, they’ll make a noise, smile and keep walking.

Or spelled out in acne on the back of a 16 year old high school virgin

Where no one will ever see it.

It might even appear in arctic ocean, spelled out in ice flows

Floating amongst the remains of glaciers

And we won’t have to worry about the global warming anymore.

Maybe it shows up as a birth mark on a terminal cancer patient’s bald head

A sneak preview for a movie he’d already bought a ticket for.

Then people would know and they could stop guessing and worrying

And preparing for a game of twenty questions with some bearded guy in front of a big white gate.

As long as we keep our eyes open for burnt toast, ice flows, tree bark,

Connect-the-dots acne, and chemo patients.

In case there’s something we missed before that would make things easier.

March 9, 2009

Things I Hate: Volume 1

Filed under: Ranting — wtfitsjared @ 1:57 am

I dislike an immense number of things.  So many things I often have trouble finding things that I do not hate.  I’m using “hate” and “dislike” interchangeably in this post, because let’s be honest, when you say you dislike something, it’s just a more socially acceptable way to say you hate it.  The “hate is a strong word” cliche has got to stop.  I know it’s a strong word, that’s why I’m using it.  If you keep challenging my word choice, I’m going to hit you and will, consequentially, hate you as well.

First on today’s list.  The Snuggie.

I hate The Snuggie because the bastard who got the idea for a backwards blanket with sleeves is making enormous sums of money.  In addition to that, said bastard also has enough smugness stored up to topple Kanye West from his tower of smugocity.  Why, you ask?  Because he knows that by selling his rediculous product he has single-handedly caused everyone who buys it to look like a massive tool.  I am jealous of his diobalical genius.  All he needs to sell a trillion units is to slap a NorthFace logo on the front and hire Vince Offer from the Shamwow commercials to market it, he would rule the world through his millions upon millions of reverse blanketed minions.

February 12, 2009

Twilight

Filed under: Ranting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — wtfitsjared @ 3:50 am

Twilight is destroying the female youth of America, and by proxy destroying the male youth of America.  Yea this is a rant, deal with it.  So let’s start on my biggest qualm with Stephanie Meyer and her poorly written bastardization of the vampire fiction genre.  It’s horror fantasy fiction without the gratuitous sex and violence.

You, like me, may be asking, “Why?”  What’s horror without sex, violence and if you’re lucky, a combination of the two?  The answer, dear reader, is that that if you cut out the violence and sex, there’s nothing but sentimental lovey-dovey drivel.  It defies all logic that she manages to fill four books, 1200 something odd pages of text, with the same crap over and over.  There are tons of other, better books that you can use to fill the Harry Potter void that won’t make the wound fester and burn.

I mention Harry Potter because that’s what a lot of people who are reading Twilight are doing.  Replacing J.K. Rowlings words and story with something far inferior.  It’s like swapping a Ferrari for a Saturn.

Give me a typewriter, a thesaurus, the Book of Mormon, a week or so of free time, and a pair of ovaries and I could write those books.

I’m not the only one who thinks this (not that it would stop me from saying it if I were) Stephen King has also expressed his disdain for all things Twilight and Edward Cullen, “Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people… The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”  So, there you go, if you think my opinion crap, listen to the guy who wrote such classics as It, Pet Semetary and Carrie. Oh yea, he’s also the most financially successful American horror novelist in history, and he has more awards than Stephanie Moyer has ways to say “Edward Cullen is a vampire and loves her but also wants to eat her.”

From fmylife.com “Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her “Edward”. I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her “Twilight” book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML”  If you don’t do it for me, do it for this guy, because that’s messed up.

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